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Asking For A Friend is the series where we answer the questions you don\u2019t want to ask.<\/p>\n
Romeo and Juliet, Allie and Noah,\u00a0Kate Sharma and Anthony Bridgerton \u2013 what is it about unrequited love that we just can\u2019t get enough of?<\/p>\n
All the best love stories seem to involve some kind of hurdle: an unapproving parent, one or both parties already being in a relationship, being from different worlds (or rival families).\u00a0<\/p>\n
These are the exciting <\/em>love stories, the ones with twists and turns and life-changing decisions, the one\u2019s where you never know what will happen next \u2014 so there\u2019s no surprise these love stories are the ones we most often see acted out on screen.<\/p>\n But in real life, wanting something you can\u2019t have kind of sucks. So why is it so addictive?<\/p>\n \u2018Our brains are wired to seek novelty and excitement, and this can extend to romantic attraction,\u2019 explains relationship hypnotherapist Dipti Tait.<\/p>\n \u2018When someone appears unattainable, their mysterious and challenging nature triggers a heightened sense of reward in the brain.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2018This is reminiscent of the brain\u2019s response to unpredictability, which releases dopamine.<\/p>\n \u2018The brain\u2019s dopamine response can create an addictive pattern, where the person becomes reliant on the thrill of pursuing someone unattainable, despite the toll it takes on their emotional wellbeing.\u2019<\/p>\n When we find someone we can <\/em>have, we already know how the story goes. There\u2019s no back and forth, up and down \u2014 the dopamine is less intense because the high highs aren\u2019t coupled with low lows. It\u2019s more of a steady burn.\u00a0<\/p>\n Dipti also says that what we\u2019re searching for in a romantic relationship could link back to our childhoods. <\/p>\n \u2018The brain\u2019s reward system can be influenced by past experiences, including early attachment patterns and past relationships,\u2019 says Dipti.<\/p>\n \u2018If someone grew up in an environment where love and attention were inconsistent or conditional, they might develop a pattern of seeking out unattainable partners as a way to replicate those early experiences and try to \u201cwin\u201d affection.\u2019<\/p>\n The problem with going for people you know you can\u2019t have is that you very rarely get them. Flirting with, or even pursuing a relationship with someone who is already taken might feel good for a while, but the chances of it ending well or unlikely.<\/p>\n The same goes for when you know someone isn\u2019t right for you. Eventually you need to accept the fact that the relationship won\u2019t go anywhere.<\/p>\n \u2018Constantly pursuing unattainable partners can lead to negative effects on mental health,\u2019 says Dipti.<\/p>\n \u2018The repeated cycle of longing and disappointment can result in feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.\u2019\u00a0<\/p>\n Is this all too relatable? Don\u2019t worry, it is possible to break the cycle, you just need to put in some work.<\/p>\n \u2018Recognising the pattern is the first step,\u2019 says Dipti.<\/p>\n \u2018Reflect on past relationships and patterns to understand why you might be drawn to unattainable partners.\u2019<\/p>\n Once you uncover those reasons, work to challenge these views around love and relationship.<\/p>\n For example, says Dipti, \u2018our brain sometimes convinces us that only the unattainable is valuable.\u2019<\/p>\n Dipti says: \u2018Challenge these thoughts and remind yourself of the potential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone who is available.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018If you are to challenge those deep beliefs and stories that are influencing your behaviour, you need to shift your focus from the pursuit of others to your own self improvement\u2019, says Dipti.<\/p>\n Engage in activities that bring you joy and build your self-confidence and consider giving therapy a go.<\/p>\n \u2018Professional help from a behavioural hypnotherapist can provide insight into the underlying causes of this pattern and offer strategies to break free from it.<\/p>\n \u2018Remember that change takes time, but with commitment and effort, breaking the cycle permanently is possible.\u2019<\/p>\n Finally, make sure to surround yourself with people who support and value you and try to seek relationships with people who are attainable.<\/p>\n \u2018Engage in relationships that are mutually fulfilling and where emotional availability is present,\u2019 says Dipti.<\/p>\n \u2018Learn to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, too.![](\"https:\/\/metro.co.uk\/wp-content\/themes\/metro-parent\/img\/fallback.png\")
<\/p>\nPractice self-awareness and challenge your thoughts<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Focus on personal growth and try therapy<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Set boundaries and seek healthy relationships<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\u2018This can help prevent getting trapped in the cycle of seeking validation from unattainable partners.\u2019<\/p>\n