I've fallen in love with my female boss – even though I'm married and straight
DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE fallen in love with my female boss – but I’m a happily married woman and straight.
My husband of ten years treats me wonderfully.
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I am 38 and he is 41. We have two sons, aged six and eight.
Earlier this year, I got a new job and have to work closely with my boss, who is 43.
We’ve always got on well and during lockdowns talked a lot over the phone and on Zoom, and we became close.
She’s divorced and single. When she had a health scare, I was the person she confided in.
After she got the all-clear, we went out for a drink after work to celebrate.
We’d both had a few drinks and somehow ended up kissing passionately outside the bar.
I can’t describe how turned on I was. It felt electric.
Since then, we’ve kissed and cuddled twice on nights out. We can barely keep our hands off each other and snog in the toilets at work.
I’m so confused. I’m not a lesbian and have never had feelings for another woman. Neither has she, she says.
It’s deeper than sexual attraction. It feels like she’s my soulmate.
I think about her every minute of the day and don’t know how to stop. She feels the same and has told me.
We’re going to a conference together soon and it feels inevitable we’ll end up having sex.
The thought excites me but also makes me feel sick.
I’m scared I’ll wreck my marriage and realise one or both of us could lose our job.
Maybe I should walk away. But I enjoy my work and don’t want to quit.
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Then again, I don’t want to hurt my husband or ruin my kids’ lives either. Our marriage is a bit dull but I can’t imagine life without him.
How can something beautiful be so painful? Is it possible to love two people at the same time?
DEIDRE SAYS: You can have a same-sex attraction even if you’re not gay and have never felt this way before. My support pack Bisexual Issues should help.
But her gender isn’t the main issue. Choosing to be with this woman will destroy your marriage and split up your family. And, as you say, it could also affect your career.
Loving two people usually means there’s something missing in one relationship.
You admit your marriage is dull. Maybe you should try instilling some passion into it instead.
My support pack on Looking After Your Relationship should help you and your husband to do this.
Talk to your boss and say you both need to put a stop to this affair before it’s too late.
I know you like your job, but it might be sensible to start looking for a new one.
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