I'm having amazing sex with my older lover but he won't commit
DEAR DEIDRE: THE sex with my older lover is sizzling and I have fallen for him completely.
But the thing is, I have no idea where I stand with him. I’m a 29-year-old woman and I have a partner who is 35.
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His work is based in the Middle East and he stays out there for most of the time. I love my partner but I get bored without him around.
Last year I started talking to a man online. He’s 40 and divorced.
He also travels for work but within the UK. I went to meet him when he was coming to my town for business.
I just thought it would be nice to go out for dinner with somebody new.
What I didn’t expect was that this guy would totally win me over. Being older, he took command of everything we did — even ordering my food for me.
I didn’t expect to enjoy him being in control so much but he was a true gentleman.
When I met him again for a second evening, he invited me up to his hotel room and he kissed me very gently. It had been so long since I’d had sex, that I gave in to him as he made my senses come alive.
That was the start of our affair. I had started to feel taken for granted by my partner.
He never seems to make an effort to come home, even when he can. So I told my lover I was willing to end my relationship to be with him.
Then I saw a message on his phone when he was in the bathroom one morning and realised he had been messaging somebody else like he had me.
He’s also told me that he has a 19-year-old daughter who came home for the first lockdown and is still staying with him.
He’s not ready to tell her about me because she might react badly. I asked where this leaves me but his attitude towards me is, “It is what it is.”
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DEIDRE SAYS: I am afraid your lover is being quite clear that he sees this as just a friends-with-benefits arrangement.
Why risk your relationship with a man you say you love – and risk getting Covid – for this dead-end, no-strings relationship with somebody who does not truly care for you?
And maybe it’s just as well he is not ready to commit to you as there could be an unpleasant flip side to him being so controlling
But your partner sounds like he is being careless of your feelings, too. Say you need a serious talk about long-term plans.
Relationships can’t survive in a vacuum. Would you consider living where your partner’s work is based or would he be up for changing jobs?
Or has the relationship run its course? In which case, call it a day and free yourself to meet someone who wants the same commitment you do.
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